Finding Your Voice

Do you ever have problems speaking up in meetings? How about at a part or large event? Or even at family dinners? When I was young, I was told often that “the squeaky wheel gets the oil”. For anyone that knows me, you’re probably thinking, really? Someone told you that you need to speak up?? I know, right?! It took me years to find my voice, both in person and in my writing.

Why is that? I think there are several reasons, but below are the few that stood out for me.

Gender bias

Parents and caregivers don’t mean to treat boys and girls differently, but evidence shows they clearly do. It starts before birth, with mothers describing their baby’s movements differently if they know they are having a boy or a girl. Girls’ rooms are typically decorated in pink with flowers or stuffed animals vs. boys’ rooms that are done in blues or grays with lots of sports references. Young girls are given dolls, dresses, or play kitchen sets. Boys are given trucks, blocks, and baseballs.

As they grow, girls are taught to be nurturers, thinking of others before themselves. Girls who speak up are called “forward” or “bossy”, while boys who do the same are called “natural leaders”. If a boy acts out or is rambunctious, he’s “just being a boy”. If a girl does the same thing, she’s labeled as “difficult” or “bratty”.

All these subtle and not-so-subtle cues teach girls to be demure, to be quieter, to be less than themselves. This can carry over as they grow and eventually enter the workplace.

Personality

It can be as simple as being introverted vs extroverted (or somewhere in between if you’re an ambivert). When I was disciplined as a child and told to go stand in the corner, my mom admitted that she sometimes forgot I was there because I was so quiet. This was in stark contrast to my brother who would ask every 10 seconds if his time was up yet.

What I discovered is that I’m more of an introvert and need down time to recharge after a lot of socializing. I also tend to want to think before speaking out to make sure I come across to others in the right way, so it makes it seem like I’m shy or quiet. This doesn’t stop me from being able to stand in front of a training class or large crowd and talk. I may be nervous as hell before I start, but I do enjoy talking to others and sharing my passions.

Embrace your awkwardness and understand your personality. It’s what makes you, you. And that’s an awesome thing.

Organizational culture

Men tend to dominate the workforce in more than just numbers. While the number of women who work has grown (46% of global workforce are women), there’s still a lot of inequity between genders. More women are teachers or nurses than men. More men are in the highest leadership role in many large companies. As of March 2022, only 15% of Fortune 500 CEOs were women.

Men also tend to dominate conversations and overtalk women. In a recent study, men interrupted 33% more often when they spoke with women than when they spoke with other men. This happens even to women on the Supreme Court. In 2015, with three female justices on the bench (Ginsburg, Sotomayor, and Kagan) 65.9% of all interruptions were directed at them.

It may seem hard to break into “the good ol’ boys club”, but it can be done.

Experience

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you find yourself in a new situation. There will be a lot of firsts in your work life: first job interview, first day on the job, first difficult conversation, first group presentation. And depending on the situation, it may not always go smoothly (or as smoothly as you’d like) the first time. But that’s ok! The more life experience you get, the easier it gets to navigate new/different situations.

The first time I had to speak in front of a large group (outside of a theatre class, which was still a little scary), I was a ball of nerves. I stumbled, stammered, and missed some key points. But by the next presentation or so, I was more prepared, and it went better. And even though I was still nervous, each time got just a little easier.

Just be patient with yourself if you don’t get it right the first few times. Conversations may seem a little awkward in the beginning but the more experience you get under your belt, the easier it becomes.

You’ve got this!

Ok, so there’s all these obstacles or challenges. How do you overcome these to find your voice? Here are some tips that have worked for me:

Practice, practice, practice

Why do you go all out in practice? Because it makes game day easier. Try to write every day or as often as you can. Do a dry run of your presentation with yourself or a close peer. You’ll find that the more you do this, the more it will sound like your natural self.

Experiment with different styles and tones to help lead you to your personality and your true voice. The best thing is to just be yourself.

Read and follow others who you enjoy

Find authors that you enjoy reading and think about what you enjoy about their style. What makes it resonate with you? Incorporate that into your style where you can.

You can also follow your inspirations on social media and see how they interact with others. Like their message? Then share it. Or even better, respond to them! You may find they have an upcoming seminar or workshop that you can participate in.

Ask for feedback

You can’t learn in a bubble. You can be a great speaker or prized writer, but no one will know if you don’t put yourself out there. It’s cliché to say “feedback is a gift”, but it’s true. Ask a close friend or even a professional to provide some constructive feedback. Getting an outsider’s point of view can be very helpful to ensure you’re communicating your message the way you intend.

Not sure how to ask? There are tons of resources and guides on the internet to help you find the right way to ask for feedback. It can be nerve-wracking, I know. But it’s oh so worth it to improve your skills.

Lean into uncomfortable situations to grow

The hardest part of any journey is the first step, especially when that first step is outside of your comfort zone. But the only way to get experience, to learn, and to grow is to get outside of your comfort zone. It’s scary. You may fail. But you’ll also learn and take that knowledge to succeed.

For me, publishing my writing on any platform was a big step. Anyone, including family and friends, could read it. Some of my articles are very personal, but if I wanted to become a freelance writer, I had to put myself out there. Publishing a book is on my bucket list and I can happily say it’s about to be check off!

So, lean into being uncomfortable. You’ll be amazed to see your comfort zone expand and you may even see yourself a little differently each time. And you’ll find your voice.

“Decide what to be and go be it” — Scott and Seth Avett